Blue Folder Writings #3.

Blue eyes gaze towards mine, containing a twinkle full of hope and joy. Pulls on her lips raise them into a cute smile - infectious - it jumps to my face. My hand instinctively covers my smile, unsure of what it's purpose is.

Blue Folder Writings #2.

Hollow eyes pierced with knives leak a worthless soul unable to hold love for others or herself. When gazed into by others, they allude ea presence of a happy twinkle to turn away wondering hearts with good intentions. Whether or not hopes are high, the hollow eyes contain no twinkle of happy. It is only an illusion. Only.

Blue Folder Writings #1.

Watch as the ocean's tide pulls away, leaving you standing alone on the shore. Hopes drift away and despair fills the hole left behind. Following the waves, the bright sun's shine elapsed behind clouds. Cold shivers surround a previously warm, joyful heart. Shivers are left as the only comfort, although they aren't as nice as the sun. Shakes and tremors cause violent shakes lashing out at others; no hopes of relinquishing them. As they attack every warm-hearted being around, you watch in wide eyed wonder. Weak attempts at holding shivers back results in no change as everything with nice ideas falls; no longer having an affect against mean, dangerous shakes.

Silence.

I haven't posted in a while, although I don't think it's quite as big a deal as it used to be. Other people's blogs have become much more interesting than mine, leaving this place for my words hidden under the dust.

Most of my silence was probably caused by some pretty major changes in my life. If you've been privileged to hear about them, good for you. If not, then there's some reason why I didn't tell you and that's just.. the end.

Gone.

I will be gone until a later date.

Dreams.

Dreams at sleepovers always turn out.. interesting.
Here are a few of mine:

One dream was in math class, but the desk seats were all screwed up, and I said, "Is row 3 supposed to be like this?" to which my teacher replied with a head nod. Then, someone was passing around artwork I supposedly created, which I didn't know of. It was of a desert landscape with two lovers in the forefront holding each other. There were words on it, but I can't really remember what it said.

Another was sort of me jumping in that artwork, and people were flying around on pieces of earth. Someone had a splinter, and carpenter-like people were telling the father that he needed to take better care of his son.

Lastly, was somewhat of a movie I thought I wrote, or was in. Either way, I was changing in a changing room with a bunch of people and had earlier seen a girl I guess I liked go into the showers, and I went in with her. I don't remember seeing anything, but I was happy to be in there.

And the sun passes behind a cloud and sends dark, shivering shadows throughout the room. They circle and surround my being and collapse around my heart, engrossing it with an everlasting shiver.

I think, maybe,

I think, maybe, I've been replaced.
And
I think, maybe, I should let you go.

Quote.

"I won't give up my love so fate can have its way.
...
I won't give you up, love, so fate can have its way.
...
If the stars say that you can not love me,
are you telling me that you would listen?"

-Star Crossed_Scary Kids, Scaring Kids.

Drifted Apart.

It feels as if our worlds have flowed apart. My island surrounded by torrential storms and danger; yours with sunshine and blue skies.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think we fit anymore. I realize things shouldn't always be easy, but when someone's happy, the other should be helping, not making it worse. Then, the happy should try to help uplift the other, but maybe I'm wrong again.

I've just been dragging you down, I realize that. I'm sorry.

But.
You love me.
It's written on my wall.
It's written on yours.
It's engraved in our hearts.

But maybe the scarring went to deep, and maybe it stained the walls too permanently, and maybe we got too far ahead of ourselves.

These thoughts just swirl around in my head and I worry about us.
Because I see you drifting away and I see myself drowning without a life vest.
You have your friends, and whoever else to grasp your hands if you need them to, but I don't see you risking yourself whatsoever for me anymore.
I'm not strong enough to stand on my own. I never was, I doubt I will be. I need people. I can't figure out myself on my own. I need you.

Call me a bitch for not saying this to you directly, but I can't. It.. You're going to read this while you're in a good mood and then be in a shit mood. Then be pissy towards me and it'll just all fall to shit. Again.

I'm at a loss here, I don't know what to do and I'm trying to figure something out.

If you love me, everything should be okay. And if I love you, I should support you. And if we love each other, things should blend into their correct positioning.

How come they aren't?

Breathe.

In.Out.In.Out.Don'tstop.

Nothing.

I feel Absolutely Nothing.

How?

I mean, what right does she have to bitch at me over how I treat someone else? Come on, that's not alright.

How can I take on someone's happiness, and make it bloom, while I'm still trying to plant mine. It's barely started seeding and I'm sitting here trying to spread my roots to water hers. I can only go as far as I can reach.. Sometimes, you know, that's not very far.
I'm not a strong person, I can't support the weight of the world on my shoulders for too long.

I don't know..

Whether or not these things are about me, or whether or not I should try and decipher what you're saying.

I'm kind of at a loss.

In exactly..

one week, I will be ending my junior year of high school and entering my senior year.
The fuck?
How did this happen..?
I mean, I didn't expect to live through this year, yet hear I am, one year closer to graduation.
Pretty fucking freaky.


I'm still waiting on my call back from Dairy Queen to see if I get the job, and knowing my luck, they'll call sometime next week, tell me to start the following week, and I'll be in Connecticut.

Yup, I get to visit my bestfriendforlife in Connecticut for the first time in oh, two and a half years. I'm, well, you could say that I'm a little excited. [:

Events in the last little while:
I went upstairs to shower last night and as I turned on my bedroom light, I saw something next to my bed. What is it, I wondered. Well, turns out, it's a fucking huge ass spider, bigger than the size of my fist, just hanging out next to my bed. The fuck it was doing in my room, I couldn't tell you. But UGH. It was absolutely disgusting.
My homeroom was flooded this morning, and I had to sit, with the rest of my class, in the little chairs the preschool class uses.
Umum. I think that is it.
Oh, chem final. it's done. I'm completely finished with chemistry for the rest of my high school career. Wait, that's a lie. I'm taking the subject test for chem and history. Blech.

Errrr. Yeah. I'm rambling now.
Hopefully this wasn't too absolutely boring.

Iloveyou,Tia.

Last Post.

For now, as this period ends shortly.

I'm at a loss of what to do.
I can't reply to texts I've received.
I can't check Facebook to see what's going on.
I can't.Do.Anything.

I'm fearful of going insane at this point.
I was LOOKING FORWARD to going to school today, so that I could have contact with the outer world, for the first time in days. [with the exception of softball.]

Oh, yeah, we had a tournament this weekend.
Shit game on Friday, even shittier two games on Saturday, awesome game Sunday morning, then shit game in the afternoon.
That was my weekend.
I finished my labs, due Sunday at 12:00pm on Saturday at 11:45pm which was a success. On the first one, I received a 44.5/50, an 89%. I'm okay with that grade, it's better than what I usually get on lab reports.

If anyone who reads this wants to post an update on my status to itsDark here you go:

I got in trouble for well, texting in school, texting while in the bathroom, piercing my ear, breaking "every rule I was ever given", and I'm sure there was something else.. My punishment is indefinite, as always, and I have no idea when I'll be allowed to enter back into my normal life again.

Hey, you.

Yes. You.

I love you.
I love your smile.
I love your want to be happy.
I love our almost four months.
I love our possible future.
I love our now, just us, but not anything else.
I love your want for me alive.
I love your will to survive [I hope..]

DeathRainbow.

Everything is such a fucking mess of swirls of dark, deranged colors.

I have no release now, you see. No razor to free my tears. No safety pin to pierce my ear. No words to type to her. No phone to text my friend.

Everything just sits in my head, swirling into a destructive black hole.

I..really..don't know what to think.
Too many times over the last few days, I've fought with what tree I should hang from. What belt I should use to tie my neck to my bed. What place I could go to in order to.die.cease.my.breath.end.my.heart.beat.

Then.You. We haven't talked in days, I know, love. It's hard. And, I couldn't leave you.
Because along with the thought of death, the hope that we can see each other, live together, with smiles, and babies, and children, and love comes to my head.
Because I hate the fact that my death would leave you here alone and not with the hopes to survive.
Because I can't do that to you and I hate that you're the only thing keeping me alive.
Because I want our future together, so badly, but I want to GET OUT of here so, so fucking badly.

Get out.

Get out! I want you to STOP caring. GET OUT of my room! Out of my HEAD. Out of my LIFE.

You see, dear Mother, without you, nothing would be wrong. I would not be forced to fight the demon in my head so I can go out in a bathing suit with no red lines. I would never have any old scars, either. You know, Mother, life without you caring, without you staring down my back creating slow, painful trails of cold down my neck, it would be easy.

Easy to love my love.
Easy to laugh freely.
Easy to dance in the rain.
Easy to breathe.
Easy to bleed.
Easy to walk.
Easy to..live.


You seem to have caused a schism between all that is easy and all that is difficult.

Now, I find it hard to love her, as we are completely separate when I have no access to my phone or the computer.
It's hard to laugh, too, because I feel guilty that I'm doing something wrong. You know, everything I do is wrong.
I can walk in the rain, I did so just yesterday, but I'm held back. If I show my true colours, say, with a piercing, I'm wrong, again.
It's hard to bleed. Every drop of blood I lose, I know you think of the thousands of drops of blood I've made myself lose.
When I take a walk, the pang in the back of my mind sparks guilt because walking means I'm exercising means I'm not eating means I have an eating disorder.
It.Is.Hard.To.Live. With you, breathing down my neck. With you, holding my heart and head so tightly that I can't love; that I can't LIVE freely.



So STOP caring. Let me LIVE my life on MY OWN.

Here.

So. Here I am, sitting in the chem room, on a computer for the first time in days.

Days which we have spent apart and days which I have been wrapped up tightly in my head without any release.

Days where I can't see past the minute and days which take years to pass.

Days where I worry you won't know if I'm alive or not and days where I worry about your life.


So Here we are, separate but still oh so together.